On Sunday, we were offered communion at church. As I've grown up, I've come to see communion as not just a chance to have a taste of grape juice, but to see it for what it is; remembering the sacrifice Christ gave thousands of years ago on the cross when He gave himself for my sins. This Sunday was no different. As I sat there before going up, I paused and asked God if I had any unforgiveness or things I needed to make right with Him. The answer I got was not what I expected.
"You're angry at Me."
Well that's a sobering thought.
I knew when I heard the voice it came from God. I also knew God told the truth. I'm angry at God. Being mad at God is not an easy pill to swallow when it completely blindsides you. As I sat there processing through one simple statement, I realized how true it was and why I sat there mad at God.
I'm not where I want to be. Geographically, emotionally, socially, or physically.
I always want to be in a better place. I have something in me which is always striving to be ten steps ahead. I have big dreams, but I haven't really thought out steps to get there (or I don't have the patience or follow through). I don't want to be almost 21, living at my parents' house. I don't want to feel like I'm in a place where I'm not as understood as I'd like. I don't want to be in a constant season of flux as people are going off to college, finishing their educations, becoming couples and going to the ends of the earth for countless different reasons. And really, I don't want to be having to pay attention to what I eat because that's the healthy thing to do (and I really like sugar).
Yet here I am, angry at God because I don't like where I am right now and I don't feel like He has me where I should be. I obviously should be in Colorado where a lot of my friends are and where I've felt most at home in the last year. I should be surrounded by an already built community and I shouldn't have to fight myself constantly to get where I want to go.
After I realized why I sat there, angry at God, He kept speaking.
"Be patient."
I don't like being patient. I don't want to wait. I want to be everywhere now. I don't want to take the time to get there. I want to be surrounded by solid people now. I want to be in a position to travel wherever and whenever I want now. I want to be able to play guitar well now. I want to have a family of my own now.
But the words continued.
"My plans for you are really so much greater than you know. Keep trusting me. Take the sacrifice I've given for you. Know that I have plans for you and trust Me in that."
Oh.
Then I realized, just like on a road trip, this whole life thing is not just about the places I want to go. It is also about how I get there. That's such a cliche thing to say. "Life is about the journey, not the destination." Whatever. But really, cliches get to be such by generally being true. It clicked. It's not just about traveling to places. It's about building relationships along the way as I get a new job and save money to get there. Life's not just about one day having a dreamy backyard BBQ with a beautiful group of people, it's about the investment in those people as we grow in relationship and learn more about each other's stories. It's not just about one day having my own family, it's about the stories I'm building along the way, with my children's father, their aunts and uncles, and with all the other random people I have yet to meet.
Even if I never get to the point of having my own family or hosting a backyard BBQ with people, or even if I never leave the US again, I can still live my life just as fully as if I never attain those dreams. I can still laugh at the little things and I can still grow in deep relationship with people. I can still mentor people and cook delicious meals like my grandma used to. I can still practice guitar with what I have because it's worth it to me.
His plans are bigger than mine. He knows more of what's going on. He already sacrificed and gave me more than I deserve. The least I can do is trust Him, even when it doesn't look quite like I want it to. Even when it is simply perseverance, joy, and taking it one step at a time.
