Joy Through the Angry Things

On Sunday, we were offered communion at church. As I've grown up, I've come to see communion as not just a chance to have a taste of grape juice, but to see it for what it is; remembering the sacrifice Christ gave thousands of years ago on the cross when He gave himself for my sins. This Sunday was no different. As I sat there before going up, I paused and asked God if I had any unforgiveness or things I needed to make right with Him. The answer I got was not what I expected.

"You're angry at Me."

Well that's a sobering thought.

I knew when I heard the voice it came from God. I also knew God told the truth. I'm angry at God. Being mad at God is not an easy pill to swallow when it completely blindsides you. As I sat there processing through one simple statement, I realized how true it was and why I sat there mad at God.

I'm not where I want to be. Geographically, emotionally, socially, or physically.

I always want to be in a better place. I have something in me which is always striving to be ten steps ahead. I have big dreams, but I haven't really thought out steps to get there (or I don't have the patience or follow through). I don't want to be almost 21, living at my parents' house. I don't want to feel like I'm in a place where I'm not as understood as I'd like. I don't want to be in a constant season of flux as people are going off to college, finishing their educations, becoming couples and going to the ends of the earth for countless different reasons. And really, I don't want to be having to pay attention to what I eat because that's the healthy thing to do (and I really like sugar).

Yet here I am, angry at God because I don't like where I am right now and I don't feel like He has me where I should be. I obviously should be in Colorado where a lot of my friends are and where I've felt most at home in the last year. I should be surrounded by an already built community and I shouldn't have to fight myself constantly to get where I want to go.

After I realized why I sat there, angry at God, He kept speaking.

"Be patient."

I don't like being patient. I don't want to wait. I want to be everywhere now. I don't want to take the time to get there. I want to be surrounded by solid people now. I want to be in a position to travel wherever and whenever I want now. I want to be able to play guitar well now. I want to have a family of my own now.

But the words continued.

"My plans for you are really so much greater than you know. Keep trusting me. Take the sacrifice I've given for you. Know that I have plans for you and trust Me in that."

Oh.

Then I realized, just like on a road trip, this whole life thing is not just about the places I want to go. It is also about how I get there. That's such a cliche thing to say. "Life is about the journey, not the destination." Whatever. But really, cliches get to be such by generally being true. It clicked. It's not just about traveling to places. It's about building relationships along the way as I get a new job and save money to get there. Life's not just about one day having a dreamy backyard BBQ with a beautiful group of people, it's about the investment in those people as we grow in relationship and learn more about each other's stories. It's not just about one day having my own family, it's about the stories I'm building along the way, with my children's father, their aunts and uncles, and with all the other random people I have yet to meet.

Even if I never get to the point of having my own family or hosting a backyard BBQ with people, or even if I never leave the US again, I can still live my life just as fully as if I never attain those dreams. I can still laugh at the little things and I can still grow in deep relationship with people. I can still mentor people and cook delicious meals like my grandma used to. I can still practice guitar with what I have because it's worth it to me.

His plans are bigger than mine. He knows more of what's going on. He already sacrificed and gave me more than I deserve. The least I can do is trust Him, even when it doesn't look quite like I want it to. Even when it is simply perseverance, joy, and taking it one step at a time.

Strength Through Weakness

I've been overwhelmed with continued learning about God's great character. A few days ago, I went for a run. I don't usually run. But through the breathlessness and my long days, God keeps teaching me lessons. Some days it's perseverance; other days, it's letting go. On this particular run, God was talking to me about His strength and listening to Him. I complained I was tired.
He told me, "Keep going. I will give you strength."
"How much further?"
He said, "Keep going. I will give you strength."
"God, I'm tired."
"Keep going. I will give you strength."
"Can I just stop now?
"Stop. Rest in my strength. In your weakness, I am strong."
"I'm just going to walk now."
"See that up ahead? Run for it. I will give you strength."

Through that back and forth while I was just trying to keep moving forward, God kept reminding me of His strength.
I'm sorry to say, the running was the easier lesson God gave me in learning about His strength in the last week. Apparently more understanding of God's strength and ability is what I've needed to learn about in these last weeks.

My second lesson in God's strength came when I realized how much I've been trying to do on my own. From making sure I get enough hours at work in order to pay for School of Worship to thinking I'm good enough when I spend time with just me and Him, thinking I'm fine without community. Boy do I have it wrong. This past weekend was Easter. I haven't missed an Easter service in my entire life. But because I was trying to do things by my own strength, I was at work rather than at an Easter service or with my family. Because of making the choice when I got hired to not vocalize needing Sundays off for church, I'm having to pay for it now and it's frustrating.

Through the frustration with the mistakes I've made, He keeps reminding me he is higher. Through the "Why did I make that decision?" He holds the mistake. Through my thinking I can do everything on my own, God has constantly reminded me I need His help. I'm thankful He is a gentleman in His ways and lets me make decisions (although sometimes I wish I was kept from making mistakes in the first place). And through everything, He holds it all and His strength is what I need.

70 Months Later

In April 2009, I went down to Portland for a youth group trip for Acquire the Fire. I was a little 8th grader who felt so mature because I was in the youth group and I had my best friend by my side as we wandered the concourse on our own. It felt like we could take on the world. I attended my first concerts that weekend. There was worship. There were speakers (both the electric and human kinds). There were flashy lights and tears and new thoughts and experiences. Little did I know how much that weekend would have an impact on my life and how much I would think back on that weekend and the memories I made.

Basically, my first Acquire the Fire is where I always say Jesus really started to become tangible to me. To be completely honest, I don't remember a lot of details of the weekend. I feel like I remember a few silly phrases or some impactful songs. But I know remember Jesus because of the real relationship with Him which started to blossom there.

Since that first experience, a lot has happened. I've gone to a bunch of different concerts, I've been to three countries to share Jesus' love with people, and I have struggled through the hardest parts of my life. But God's faithfulness and the reality of my relationship with Jesus has only continued to grow, despite my biggest failures.

All that brings me to today. Today, I got to volunteer at the Rock and Worship Roadshow in the same building where Jesus started to become a person to me and more than just something I had grown up with. I sat in a seat in the nosebleeds after I finished what I was helping with and just watched. I was overwhelmed with thankfulness watching as thousands of people worshipped God. For many, it may have been their first time meeting Him. I was excited as I got to stand beside my older sister as she was in the middle of achieving one of her dreams, having been on the road for the last few days with the tour. I was proud as I got to see my little sister from across the arena as she had a huge smile on her face while she enjoyed her night, growing in friendships and in who she is at the core of her being.

It was so special to me to have a new memory formed in a location which already holds so many for me. Yet even better, it was such a blessing to be able to share that with two of my sisters, even if they didn't realize it.

Today was a new day with different people, different goals and as a different person but it was all in a place so special to me and I count it a blessing to chalk up another day to really living.

Through the Why's

This morning I found out that my cousin had a miscarriage. I felt like a stone dropped in my stomach and "Why, God?" flitted through my mind immediately. To have a baby's heart stop beating. For a mom to be faced with the daunting task of explaining to her small children that they aren't going to have a little brother or sister who they had already started choosing names for. Why this family? Why this mother? Why again?

But then another thought flowed through my heart and mind.

There will be redemption.

The last time this cousin had a miscarriage, with her next pregnancy, she was blessed with twins. Two bundles of joy who are best friends and who were blessed with a little brother only a couple years later.

God redeems. He blessed my cousins with double the children of a normal pregnancy right after they lost their first baby. It reminds me of the song "Blessed Be Your Name" with its line, "Though the sorrow may last for a night, joy comes in the morning!"

Honestly, I can't imagine their pain right now. I don't know what it's like to hear a solid heartbeat at one doctor's appointment and at the next, hear nothing. To be honest? I pray I never know that pain. But through it, through the tears, hard times, explanations, and the throwing why's at God, I know there is redemption on the horizon and I know that He is there through the hard times.

The same is true for any situation. Through the questions and the wandering, when God seems to hide His face, His character does not change. Lean on Him and trust in Him as you walk through the hard times. If you ever want someone to pray for you, let me know. Prayer can move mountains.

I Am Known

Today was "Name tag Sunday" at church. Right as we walked in the door, there was a table set up with name tags so you could easily put one on and be able to call people by name- without having met them before. I love the idea! There have been a lot of new people at my home church recently and it's nice to be able to know names.

As I looked at my name tag after I got home, I realized how much I appreciate being called by name. Before I left for DTS, through a series of events, I had lost most of the things and people that made home feel comfortable. Included in that was the feeling of losing my identity, my community and people around me that knew me.

In Denver, as people would walk past each other in the hall, we would say hi on our way. There was one guy in particular, when we would pass each other and say "hi," he would say, "Hi, Erin." I had gotten so used to floating under the radar that it caught me off guard that someone would say hi to me and actually use my name.

God didn't reveal to me until this last week that He was using that friendship and those greetings to show me that I am known. As I looked at my name tag after church today, I realized that I am known and I have an identity. No human knows every part of me. But every tiny piece of my being is recognized and KNOWN by my Father who loves me greatly. I was also shown that I am worth knowing. I am worth being called by name as I walk down the hall. I have value.

The same goes for you.
When you lose what you value, you will not lose your value.
When you question what you have to offer, you are unique and because of that, you have a lot to offer!
When you just wish someone would understand you, remember that you are fully known by your Creator who loves you and knows every piece of you.

World Traveller

I typed this 3 weeks ago, when my team and I were on our way to Cebu from Dagupan. Now, we're on our way from the Philippines back to the US! Thank you for following along!

I am so thankful for the adventure. Getting to fly through the clouds, over the ocean. Having a reality check and realizing that as an American, I have many more opportunities than many people in the world.

After 4 weeks in the Philippines, I have only met a small hand full of people who have been anywhere else in the world. Most of the people I've met have lived their entire lives without leaving a single island- that blows my mind to think about! I think about the places I've gotten to go to and it makes me want to go and buy everyone a plane ticket so they can experience other places.

At the same time, I got to meet a woman who was probably around 60 years old and she has lived close to the same place her entire life. There are places on the island she has never been to. That makes me wonder how much there is to explore in every place I go to. I am so thankful that I got to spend the last four weeks off the beaten trail. I saw maybe 2 white people (besides my team) in the entire time we were there. We were in a city where tourism is not common at all- and I loved it! Don't get me wrong- I really enjoy going to tourist places. They probably have something to offer if there are thousands of people going regularly. Yet there is something about being somewhere people haven't been. Getting to know people who have lived an entirely different life from me, in a different place. I like getting to learn about others' points of view.

Thank you, Jesus, for this opportunity!!

"I'm Here Because..."

I think one of my favourite things about being a white girl in an Asian country is when people ask me why I'm here. People look at me and ask why I'm sitting in this park or people ask why I'm on this university campus where I'm not a student.

My answer has become simple: "I'm here because I love Jesus so much that I came here to tell you about His love for you."

That generally catches people off guard; yet it opens a door to a whole new conversation. Lots of times, Christians simply try to convert people. "You need Jesus because you're a sinner." Even though that may be true, I don't think that's how Jesus would start a conversation. In John 4, Jesus meets a woman at a well and asks for a drink of water. He's Jesus. He knows her sins, yet he just has a regular conversation with her. He tells her about His Father and what He can do for her. It isn't until the end of the story that Jesus calls this Samaritan woman out on her sins and tells her to change.

I want to be like that. I want to act like Jesus. He tells people about what He wants to radically change in their lives. But at the same time, he calls them out and says, "In order for this change to happen, you actually have to be willing to cut the crap out of your life." (That's not a direct quote!)

When I enter into a conversation, I don't start it thinking, "I have to get Jesus into this conversation however I can." I start conversations wanting to talk to people and see who they are. Then, after I've had a chance to get to know them a bit, they usually ask me about myself and I get to share who God is in my life and how He has made me who I am. That is my favorite part about being a white girl in an Asian country.